Time To Be Honest

Okay so I debated on writing this post for a long time, but decided to write it for two reasons. 1.) I haven't been posting lately and you deserve to know why. 2.) The reason I write a blog is to help others not only find their next great read, but to share my thoughts and feelings. I feel like I am helping others even if it is just finding a book they love. What I am going through may be something that you guys are going through as well, and maybe hearing my story will help you know there is someone else out there going through what you are and can relate to your struggle.

In middle school I was bullied for my weight. I was overweight and no matter what I did I just couldn't lose the weight. People constantly made fun of me and at one point in time a boy posted a picture of miss. piggy on my locker. It was a very hard time for me. I ended up leaving that school for many different reasons, but one main reason was the bullying over my weight. I don't think I ever truly got over it, I mean does anyone every truly get over situations like that?
When I started high school I lost weight and everyone was shocked. They would ask what have you done? Tell us your secret! The truth was I didn't really DO anything. I lost the baby weight is my only answer, but I didn't feel truly beautiful because I was still recovering from everything I had previously went through. My junior and senior years I started being more active. I just had more friends that did more active things which lead to me being more active without even really knowing. We would swim a lot, go on walks, play tennis, etc. I started to enjoy life more. I then started working out and enjoyed it. I had a friend I would go to the gym with and when we would be on the phone watching our TV shows together we would do crunches and pushups during the break, and at the time I found that fun...weird to think I use to think of that as fun haha! For some reason this seemed to put my body in a weird shock and I lost ALOT of weight VERY VERY fast. It got to the point where my doctor asked me if I was making myself lose the weight...hinting at a eating disorder. People started rumors that I made myself sick AND I WASNT. It was just my body and yes I was being more active and I felt happy about it. The ONE time I was truly happy with how I looked people started giving me a hard time once again. I was either too big or too thin and people couldn't just leave it alone. I learned to let that go and just worry about what made ME happy, and somewhere along the way I have forgotten about what makes me happy when it comes to my health.
 I have just always had trouble with my weight basically. When I got married I was so happy and could only think about that, what I was eating didn't matter I was busy planning my wedding! When we did get married we moved twice in less than a year and everyone knows when you move the last thing you are worried about is what you should make for dinner when you cant even find the box your pots are in. One thing led to another and I gained weight....FAST. My eating habits and activeness is awful and it is something I have been struggling with. I keep thinking of all the mean things people use to say, and even though I know it does not matter what others think, I know for myself that I am overweight and I am not happy with it. For me it doesn't matter about the number on the scale, but I want to learn to love myself and be healthy! The weight I am at right now is NOT healthy. I need to make some life changes. I cant sit around and think my body will just do its own thing and lose the weight again I have to make a huge lifestyle change, and I am starting at ground zero.
So where does blogging come into play? Why are you sharing this again? Just bare with me, I am almost to the point I swear.
My struggle to lose weight has played a role in my happiness and motivation. I sit and think I need to blog, but I am not in a good mindset and I just space out and shut my computer down. I am so sorry for that and it isn't fair to the people who follow this blog. I have just been in a terrible place. I cant find a meal plan that works for me, I cant find a workout schedule that I enjoy, and if I am not enjoying it I will not be happy and will not keep up with it. For me I want to lose the weight but also provide myself with a HAPPY HEALTHY LIFESTYLE. I will NOT starve myself, I will NOT force my body to the breaking point, but I WILL find what is healthy and what works for me. It has just been a struggle finding what works and that has been the hardest part. I think I am eating healthy and then there are no results. It's hard. I wanted to tell you guys what has been going on and share my hard journey with you because maybe some of you are struggling to.
So where am I now? Well I am still struggling to find what works for me but I am getting there. I am starting to find exercises I like to do and I am making changes to the way I eat. I am going to have some things checked out by my doctor just to make sure there isn't a health reason on why my weight has always been a challenge. I am trying to make more changes to how I eat. I am also trying to learn to mediate because I feel like I need more calmness in my life. The bottom line is I want to be a healthy woman who can look this hard issue down and conquer it. I am so sorry that this has taken over my life more than I would like. I know that this may have sounded dumb to some of you or you may think I shared too much personal information on my BOOK blog, and that is fine everyone can have their opinion. But I have grown to think of some of you all as great friends and if any of you are having the same problem then know you are not alone, and for me this was therapeutic to just write it out.